


I always wanted you to be my master

by younoknowme93



Series: I never wanted to be your master [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Bottom Severus Snape, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Master/Servant, POV Severus Snape, Top Harry, snarry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-23 17:28:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15611334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/younoknowme93/pseuds/younoknowme93
Summary: This is the sequel to I never wanted to be your master





	I always wanted you to be my master

**Author's Note:**

> I couldn't leave the story unfinished so here is the second/final part. Onward my ducklings.

It’s like a pressure in my head is deflating.  Those familiar green eyes stare openly at me and perhaps my own eyes gave my thoughts away.

“Do you know who I am?”  He asks.  Do I know who he is he asks.  As if he were some stranger and not a person that I’ve spent ample time with.  A boy that I spent nearly twenty years of my life protecting, and a man that saved my life.  A man that marked me as his and erased the past claims.  A man that has spent the time since the end of the war bathing and feeding me as if I were an infant unable to care for himself.  Because I was unable.  A man that has held me in sleep and in intimacy.  A man that has shown a level of patience for me that no one else ever has. 

“Yes.”  I say simply.  He looks so hopeful.

“What do you remember?”  A different voice asks.  Poppy.  I adore her- not that I would ever let on to that.  As a student she was the only faculty that I felt cared about my wellbeing.  Maybe it’s only because it was her job to care, but when Black sent me to be eaten by his werewolf friend, she was the only one who took my side.  She was the only one who asked me if I was okay.  She was the only one who questioned me about the traumatic experience.  Yes, she chastised me for going out after curfew and following the manipulations of someone who clearly didn’t have my best interest in mind.  But she cared.  Even now.  I can see from how tired her eyes are that she’s been searching tirelessly for a way to bring back my mental faculties.

“Everything.”  I say.  She nods and scribbles down some notes.

“Can you tell me exactly what happened?”  She asks vaguely.  I think she’s testing me to see how much I really know.  To make sure whatever spell or potion she used actually worked. 

“The dark lord was dying and he was attempting to take all of his loyal deatheaters to death with him via the dark mark.”  I don’t’ mention that I was already gravely injured and did not attempt to fight it since I was likely to die soon enough.  I was content with dying knowing that I fulfilled my role in that nasty war.  “Then I was saved.”

“Continue.”  She kindly orders.  I weave my fingers together.

“I could feel two forces pulling on me.  One pulling me towards death and the other towards life.”  Poppy watches my hands intently as I talk.  “The dark lord would not release me and neither would the other force.”  Master.  He doesn’t like me calling him master.  Potter… no… I can’t call him that.  Even calling him Harry is too formal.  He’s more than just Harry Potter.  He’s my master.  Calling him by his name is too formal considering the things he has done for me.  It contrasts with the casual easiness that has been the last… year?  I can’t bring myself to use his given name, but he does not like me calling him master.  Now isn’t the time for this debate.  “Neither would release me.  I think the strain was too much on my mental state, and the stronger force won.”  It’s hard to explain that I feel like my consciousness was ripped from me.  My body stayed behind and I’m sure all this time my magic was slowly healing me. 

“I will want to check on him often to make sure he is not regressing.”  She is talking to Master now about my health.  She’s done this on a regular basis since Master because my Master.  I’m still not fully sure what she used on me to aid in my healing, at a later date I will discuss with her the potions she used and for the purposes.  She’s quite astute with potions and we often would debate creative uses for them.  Naturally hers would always delve into healing. 

Before Poppy leaves she tells master that I should rest more and she feels that this improvement to my mental state could prove to be taxing on my body.  She smiles at me kindly and explains that she must be going back to Hogwarts.  She can’t be away long.  I’m glad it’s her that’s been tending to my health.  I think she knows that I trust no other mediwitch. 

“Professor, I’m glad you are back.”  Master sounds so relieved.  I just nod because I don’t know what I’m suppose to say.  I’m not Severus anymore.  I’m back to Professor even though that’s not what I want.  “You remember everything?”  He asks a bit slower.  Again, I nod.  “Even the parts after the war.”

“Yes, I remember all of that as well.”  Yes, I remember all of that as well **_Master_**.  But I do not want to upset him.  His mouth hangs open slightly. 

“Professor, I am so sorry.  About the things I did to you.  You were getting so sick and weak.  Poppy said that you were showing signs of being neglected.  I would have never done any of that to you if I didn’t have to.”  I know that I’ve never been anyone’s first choice, but it’s been so long since I’ve felt this ugly.

“How long do I have to stay here?”  I ask him instead of focusing on the ache.  He slowly opens his mouth and then closes it. 

“Poppy would probably feel more comfortable if you stayed with me at least until she’s sure that you are okay.  Professor, I didn’t mean to mark you as my servant.  Please do whatever you please.  I know it may be difficult, but just pretend that I didn’t mark you.  I wasn’t even trying to really, I was just trying to save your life.  It just happened.”  He’s babbling.  But I have all the information I need.  He doesn’t wish to be my master. 

He never really did.

“Potter, quit your incessant babbling.  I presently have nowhere to go.  If you will permit me to remain here until I find a suitable place, then I will not bother you again.” 

“Oh.”  He says.  “You can stay as long as you like.  I won’t keep you here, but I’m not going to chase you out either.”  He’s kind.  He always has been.  I shouldn’t take advantage of his kindness for longer than necessary though.  “We should get you a room set up.  Up until now we’ve been sharing a room- well I guess you already knew that.  You have one, you just wouldn’t ever sleep alone.”  When I say nothing he briskly continues.  “Don’t worry about the stuff that we did, I know that wasn’t really you.  You were just being controlled by the mark I put on you.”  No master. 

The mark is just a mark.  I never felt drawn to embrace Voldemort or Dumbledore.  They were both masters over my life, but that and this are entirely different.  It wasn’t really you, he says.  But it was.  It was me.  It was me that wanted to be held and spoken to sweetly.  It was me that wanted to be taken care of.  It was me that snuck into your bed because the nightmares made my head ache and your bed is the safest place I’ve ever been.

It wasn’t really you, he says.  But it was. 

“Yes, yes Potter.  Rest assured you do not have to fear me climbing into your bed or spilling your secrets.  Think of it as nothing.  And feel secure that you only humored me out of a sense of duty.”  He says nothing.  “I know full well where that extra room is.  I will remain there until dinner- following doctor’s orders.”  He doesn’t stop me while I leave the room.  He doesn’t offer to let me nap next to him on the couch- or better yet, beside him in his bed. 

This room was initially going to be for me.  The rooms are dark with thick curtains.  There is a modest but effective brewing stand.  It’s gloomy and foreboding just like the dungeons I am so familiar with.  Master is very kind to try to give me a space that he feels I would be comfortable in.  The room is even in Slytherin colors. 

I detest this room. 

Master’s was warm and welcoming.  The garish colors brightened up the space.  The curtains were always drawn back overlooking the small garden that he keeps.  I know that if I were to draw back my own curtains I would see the plunging cliffs to the water below.  An eloquent metaphor for myself as well.  I remember first being shown this room and Master made a point to tell me about the view I could see from my window.  I’m sure some would appreciate this chaotic nature.  I am not one.  I enjoyed seeing the manicured well-tended to gardens that Master keeps. 

My desires have not changed.  My needs have not changed.  I still remain the same submissive person I have always been, and I still remain the guarded man that I’ve shaped myself into.  Master is kind and I want to be under his hands.  I’ve had to train myself though.  I’ve been burnt to many times.  It’s easy to trust someone until you have been betrayed.  Thoughts for a later time. 

I told Master that I would be following doctor’s orders, but I can’t possibly sleep in this room.  I’ve always had difficulties sleeping alone.  The nightmares.  Dreams of my father, angry and drunk.  Dreams of past masters.  Before Master… before Harry… before Potter claimed me I often woke up screaming myself awake.  No.  I can’t possibly sleep now that I’m remembering that. 

A shower.  That’s what I’ll do. 

I’m thankful that there is a shower attached to this spare room that he has placed me in.  The water is almost skin meltingly hot.  I want to erase his touch from my skin.  I don’t want to remember something I can no longer have. 

It feels odd to bathe myself after such a long time.  His fingers would scratch my scalp gently, and it was calming.  It was safe. 

I’ve never felt safe before. 

My parents were abusive.  My father in particular.  My father would lash me with words and belts alike.  Whelps covered my skin and my fragile self-esteem. My mother was just neglectful.  I was an interloper on what could have been a happy marriage.  My mother wouldn’t say cruel words.  She wouldn’t strike me.  She merely pretended that I didn’t exist.  I held no value.  Rather I was there or not made no difference because I was nothing. 

I never had a home.  The warm spray of water pelts me.  I was unwanted by my parents.  Hogwarts was a hell all its own.  A group I didn’t wholly agree with opened their arms and for a time I felt useful even if I knew that I was merely disposable.  I followed master after master searching for one that would need me.  One that would value me. 

It started with Lily.  She was kind.  Easy to talk to.  It became clear quickly though that while I needed her.  She did not need me. 

Lucius was next.  It felt nice to be on the arm of someone attractive, mature, _dominate._ I was nothing more than a lacky with a prize he wanted.  Still.  I was more than happy to give him my virginity at the expense of feeling wanted.  I was such a desperate child.  Some things never change.

He grew bored of me.  I believe his exact words were that I submitted to easily.  There was no sport in it.  I was a conquest that he was already the victor over.  He had no other use for me.  Still, he presented me to who became my cruelest master. 

Before he set his eyes on the boy who lived, he was more than reasonably attractive.  I felt certain that he was the right choice.  He was powerful and driven.  And he admired my talents in brewing.  There was something I could offer to someone.  He would mock and berate me in front of his other loyal servants.  I would feel small.  Ugly.  Insignificant.  And he would tell me that this was his right as my master.  It felt so natural to cower submissively.  It wasn’t until he threatened Lily that I realized who I had allowed to become my master. 

He was so much like my father.  It was no wonder why the strikes felt like home.  I did the only thing I could think to do. 

I went to Albus Dumbledore.  I kneeled at his feet and begged with real tears.  Albus Dumbledore was my master for the longest time.  In same ways, he was crueler than any other.  He felt an affection for me that didn’t stem past platonic.  I was kept busy under his protection.  The majority of the time, I felt no more than a pawn obediently following his orders.  Sometimes I would sit In his office and he would offer me one of his sickingly sweet treats.  He would ask me questions I didn’t want to answer.  Questions about my childhood.  All of my masters.  Hopes for my future.  I felt like a burden that he had taken on.  Sure the majority of his words were kind, but there was a pity in his eyes that stung more than any spell or hand.

The summer before Lily’s son became a student, Albus called me to his office.  He explained that this boy was to be my next and final master.  I didn’t understand.  I knew nothing of this boy, Albus may have not desired me, but he was my master.  I asked him to clarify.  I told him I didn’t understand.  Albus explained to me that Harry Potter would be the strongest wizard in the whole of the wizarding world.  Albus explained that his time remaining would be much shorter than planned.  Albus never let me in on any of his plans or secrets until the last moment.  An old hand pats my shoulder.

“Harry will be a good master to you, and he will be your last.  All you must do is protect the boy.  Time will settle the rest.”  I still feel dirty even though my body is lathered in soap.

I first met my master when he was eleven.  He was thin and sickly looking unlike most of the first years.  I knew immediately what kind of home he must have.  There was no way he could one day be my master.  Albus must have been wrong, I thought.  I need someone stronger than myself.  I need someone that can hold and protect me.  I need someone that doesn’t cower at my cutting words. 

I have also never held a fondness for children- either platonic or romantic.  It doesn’t suit my tastes.  It reminds me of my father’s friends that would sometimes come over.  One had a taste for children.  Disgusting.  The comments he would make directed at me.  No.  I would never be a man like that.  Even once this scrawny boy grew up, there was no way.

There was no way that Harry Potter could ever be anyone’s master, let alone a master to a difficult submissive like me.  I had had too many masters.  I had been battered and betrayed to much.  No.  I knew it would take a strong master.  Someone gentle yet firm.  The dark lord had always been too cruel and Albus too clinical.  For both, I was but a pawn.  Lily and Lucius- neither had an interest.  And my father’s words loom over my very existence.  The bright eyed boy with a childhood so similar to mine could never suit my needs. 

Still.  Because Albus wanted me to and because he was Lily’s child, my life’s goal became to protect the boy that I tormented.  Each year I became increasingly more awful to him, and each year he feared me- and potentially hated me- more. 

Albus used his sway over me, and I willingly continued as a double agent.  The only one who trusted me was Albus.  And while our master servant bond was not ideal, it was steady and safe.  He never welcomed me into his bed chambers, and I never asked.  I continued to act as though the dark lord was my one and only master, even while Albus’s nonexistent mark burned me.  I could feel it ripping me in two. 

Each year, Harry Potter grew and matured.  Each year the childish features shaped more into that of a man’s.  He did not fear me.  His eyes were piercing and each year he seemed to prove himself more.  Where all my doubts had been, they were slowly replaced with anticipation.  Maybe Harry Potter would be a good master.  Maybe if he could overlook my cruelty towards him… maybe if he didn’t hate me.  Albus seemed sure that the boy… man would become my master with time, and though I didn’t believe it.  I hoped for it.  He was growing from a scrawny impulsive boy into a mature man. 

The time came when I was made into the DADA teacher.  The year that I killed my master.  He felt so much pain and I tried to stave it off.  I was afraid of what would come afterwards.  A masterless existence.  It had been so long since I was truly alone and I wasn’t looking forward to the loss of stability.  I wasn’t looking forward to more permanently pretending that the dark lord was still my only master.  His cruel embrace was a torture that I didn’t know how to resist. 

My not yet master chased me from the school.  The only place that had ever even almost been home and I knew Albus was wrong.  The water feels so cold around me.

The next year was impossible.  I was strangely drawn to the missing boy.  I wanted to search him out.  I wanted to find him and beg for his forgiveness and subjugate myself before him.   Every day was so dark and empty.  Fear and turmoil consumed me.  I silenced them all like how I had trained myself to do.  I stopped eating.  I couldn’t keep anything down.  Then I stopped sleeping.  Even the strongest dreamless sleep could not quiet my frenzied mind.  The end was coming.  Each day it drew more near and each day I grew less hopeful. 

The day came for me to die.  And my master… the man who never became my master was there.  It was the first time he ever embraced me and I needed for him to know.  I had so much I had to tell him.  Things Albus had ordered before his death.  I followed the order from my deceased master, but I couldn’t shield the boy from the rest.  He may not have been my master, but his arms were so secure that it hardly mattered.  I confessed everything I could in that tear containing my memories. 

My childhood.  My father and mother.  Lily.  Wonderfully kind Lily.  Lucius as well.  I didn’t want to confess to being held by Lucius and the dark lord, but I couldn’t lie to this man I already thought of as my master.  I confessed everything.  Fear.  Loneliness.  But I left out my hopes that he would be my last.  That’s a burden he shouldn’t have to feel.  Let him go off clear of mind and simply forget me. 

I could feel myself dying.  But a strange stasis was surrounding me.  I could feel nothing but a calm acceptance.  I don’t know how long I lay there like that.  I could feel fingers digging into my left arm.  It was pulling quickly towards oblivion.  I had not strength to fight it. 

I wasn’t going to fight it.  I had had a go at life and it had been overwhelming.  I did my part.  My right arm burned and I hear Albus’s voice.  _‘let me do you at least one service as your master.’_ The two were pulling me at opposite ends, but I was caught unable to move.  Just like in life, I will be torn apart by these two masters.  Then a third presence touched me.  It grabbed hold of the left arm and I could feel the painful burn turn to a pleasant one. 

My mind felt so muddy.  I was being pulled from every end and I couldn’t tell which if any I should trust.  My body was being pulled one way and my mind the next.  ‘Let go.’ A calm voice said.  ‘Trust in your master.’  The voice was familiar but not malicious. 

‘Albus?’  I asked tiredly. 

‘Trust him.  Trust the boy and let go.’

My consciousness was lost and I woke up in a bed I had never been in before.  The man beside me… I knew him.  He looked so relieved to see me awake that I felt loved and wanted.  I looked down at my bandaged left arm and removed the wrappings slowly.  He never stopped me.  There was a tattoo I had never seen before.  It was dark green vines wrapping all the way around as if to hold my arm. 

He was my Master. 

My entire body hurt, but I couldn’t stop myself.  Even as he asked me to stay in the bed, I was tumbling out of it.  Kneeling at his feet, it felt right. 

“Master.”  Was all I could say before I passed out.

Water drips all over the porcelain floor as I get out of the shower.  My skin looks red from how hot the water was, I guess the water didn’t turn cold at all.  I dry myself off absentmindedly.  This was the first home I had ever had.  I do not want to leave it, but I would bother Master if I stayed here.  I remember how troubled he was over my actions.  I would kneel at his feet.  The things I asked for… utterly humiliating.  He always refused me.  And I could feel his mark on me loosen.  I got sick.  I stopped eating.  I couldn’t sleep.  Master didn’t want me.  I wasn’t enough.  There was nothing he wanted from me. 

I didn’t want to go back to being alone.

Poppy, bless her, was very kind to me when I was out of my mind.  She explained so much to Master.  And master held me.  Slow and gently.  Poppy told him that I was surviving on instincts.  And that not letting me fulfill those instincts would not make me better.  It was pity and a sense of duty that made him hold me.  And though that’s utterly not good enough… it’s one of my few fond memories.

I remember everything from the last year or so of him being my master.  I remember how muddied my brain was.  I did not remember facts of who I was or who my master was.  I could only remember vague feelings.  A desire to please my master rang the loudest.  He fulfilled my needs.  Without all the guards and insecurities, it was easy to confide in my master.  It was easy to ask things I could never bring myself to ask. 

I hate this ‘recovery’.  While I do like having my mental functions back in full, I’m back to over thinking.  I can’t tell him that life as his submissive was the happiest I have ever been.  I can’t tell him that I already feel empty and alone.  I dry my hair slowly.  There are a few love bites on my shoulder and neck.  I don’t want them to heal to quickly.  I don’t want to forget the feel of his teeth on my skin. 

I redress.  Master has mostly been in charge of what I have worn this past year.  I was too far from modesty to care if I even wore clothing around my master.  The extra room has many clothes that he has bought for me.  He at first asked my opinion on many things, but when I never could form any, he just made the decisions himself. 

Most of the clothing he has gotten me are muggle.  Most of the shirts are dark colors.  Purples and greens and blacks.  There are even a few dark maroon colors.  Jeans and slacks.  Pajamas.  Each day he would dress me.  As embarrassing as it is to think on it now, at the time I never felt like I lacked dignity.  I wasn’t self-conscious of my scarred and malnourished body.  And he never made me feel like I lacked anything. 

We left the magical world.  His little cottage is far enough away from either muggle or wizard London.  Few are able to come here.  Poppy is really the only one that I’ve seen.  As for his closest friends, they are busy starting their family from what I remember Master telling me.  He was insistent that as few people see me like that as possible.  He has gone to see them a handful of times.

It was common for me to cower behind him.  Or kneel at his feet if I felt under to much stress.  I didn’t like seeing people other than Master and Poppy.  Even in my idled state, I knew she was one I could trust.  He was kind but protective of me.

I vaguely remember going with Master to some trial.  At the time I didn’t know what was going on.  Looking back, I know it was my trial.  I was so frightened.  They took me away from my Master.  I was away from him and I didn’t know where he could be.  There were so many strangers.  I went into a panic and I couldn’t breathe.  That was when they let Master in to see me.  He wasn’t okay with me touching him at the time, but I kneeled to his feet and cried profusely.  My arms wrapped around his legs and I remember begging him to not leave again.  I could not be consoled.  He kneeled to the ground in front of me and started petting my hair soothingly.  He was talking to the guards and he explained that he was taking me home.  I was no danger to anyone and anything further concerning my trial would be dealt with by him solely.

I didn’t leave our home again.

My body is still scarred and grotesque, but Master is very patient with my eating.  Master has spoon fed me more than once to make sure that I would eat.  I’m still very lean, but my bones do not jut out unhealthily.  Getting dressed, I decide to not hide anymore.  I have little time with my Master before I will have to leave.  I want to enjoy his presence as much as I can.  I will act as ‘normal’ as possible even if it means fighting instincts, but I want to be around him as much as I’m allowed. 

He’s sitting on the couch reading, and once I’m a few steps away, he looks up from his book.  In one practiced movement, he grabs my hand and pulls me into his lap.  My head is being pet affectionately and it’s only once he realizes that my hair is damp that everything comes back to him.

“I am so sorry.”  He says first.  He doesn’t push me off of his lap, but his hand completely leaves my head.  It was so familiar and comforting that I have to remind myself to not whine at the loss of contact.  I don’t want to trouble him, so I can’t beg him to please… don’t take this away from me.

I reluctantly pull my head from his lap and he begins apologizing more. 

“I just did it out of habit.”  He insists.  “I don’t know why I forgot.  So you decided to take a bath.  Your hair is still wet.”  He’s rambling and babbling.  “I’m not sure how much you remember from the last year, but you were found innocent.  I had to use some of your memories- oh but don’t worry I left out the personal stuff as much as I could.”  He’s different but the same.  I don’t like it.  “You were officially put into my care, and your faults were… unfortunately absorbed into my own.  I didn’t touch any of it though, and now that you are stable, I’ll make sure that your vault is opened back up and any and all that was in there will be put back.”  There wasn’t much in there in the first place. 

I saved very little and the only thing that I cared about in those vaults were a few ancient potion tomes.  Even if I didn’t get those back though, it wouldn’t matter to much. 

“Your home at Spinner’s End- It’s still there.  It was under a bit of disrepair.”  That’s an understatement.  The walls were practically falling in around it.  “So I had a bit of work done on it.  I basically took on all of your financial obligations and it’s still very modest, but it’s in good shape.  I know from your memories that you weren’t especially fond of it, but I still didn’t want to do anything to really change it because it was your home after all.”  No.  It was no such thing.  “Severus.  Professor.”  She corrects himself and I fight down the waves of pain.  “If there is anything I can do to make up for what I’ve done, then please let me know.  I can’t take back the mark I left on you.  I don’t know how and I’m actually afraid that it’ll cause more harm than good, but I will not give you any orders.  You are free from any masters.  You are your own person and I have no intention of taking advantage of the situation.” 

“Are you done?”  I ask somewhat coldly.  He nods.  “You said that you would do anything to make up for what you’ve done?  Right?  Did you mean that?”  There isn’t any reluctance when he nods again.  “Then just read.”  His eyes are more than a little confused.  “Just read and don’t think to much about it.”  I’m so tired.  My body feels so drained.  I lay down on the sofa and my head is once again in his lap.  I don’t give him time to question me.  And I don’t give him time to refuse. 

He’s quite for only a moment before he starts reading. The book is held with one hand while the other strokes my head.  Windlessly, I can hear the pages turned.  His voice is relaxing and the actual words of the story fade into the background as I just close my eyes.  It’s a bitter happiness.  I won’t keep him.  I don’t want to be a burden to him.  I don’t want to be another servant to a master that doesn’t want me. 

I will not find another.  I’ve given up on that.  I’ll find a place- a quiet one- and though it will not be home, it will be good enough.  I’m accustomed to good enough.  It’s all I’ve ever really had, and I know to not complain when it could be much worse.  Good enough is good enough. 

His fingers rub against my scalp uncaring that my hair is still damp.  I’m probably making a mess of his lap.  It’ll be wet by the end of this, but I’ll blame that on the water and not my tears.  I can’t seem to hold them back.  I’ve fought myself for to long.  Trained myself to well.  He never wanted to be my master.  No one ever has. 

I still my body.  The last thing I want is to make him concerned.  I can’t shake.  I can’t make those pitiful sobbing sounds.  I can’t let on how broken I am. 

“Severus.”  I don’t trust my own voice so I don’t reply.  He isn’t reading anymore.  His hand is still softly pulling at my hair so at least there is that bit of happiness.  Biting my lip, I force physical pain to counteract emotional.  I can deal with physical pain, but my emotions are far to fragile right now.  “Severus.”  He says again softer.  “You didn’t want to get your memories back did you.” 

“Of course I did you insipid child.”  I’m not lying.  Of course, I prefer not being in an endless blur.  I was so fearful of everything.  I’m glad that that part is over.  But.

I would have preferred all the drawbacks if it meant I could stay here like this. 

“I don’t believe you.”  His hand stops and I have to keep from begging him to continue.  Just let me have this one last time.  That’s all I want.  That would be good enough!  “Maybe I misunderstood those memories you gave me.  You were so unhappy each time you had a master.  You were miserable.  I thought that you wanted freedom.  I thought you were like most people and didn’t want a master controlling you.” 

“Stop talking.”  I feel so small.  I feel so empty and cold.  His hand lays on my shoulder and the heat radiating from that spot is comforting. 

“You’re right.  I should.  I’ve been talking a lot.  Severus, what is it that you want?” 

“I don’t want to talk.”  My voice hardly sounds like my own.  It once could make first years run in fear and now… now I sound broken.

“What if I ordered you?”  His fingers are again in my hair and I feel like I can breathe.  “Would you want to talk if I ordered you?”

“Don’t.”  I say weakly.  Don’t get my hopes up.  Don’t dangle happiness in front of me and then yank it away.

“Would you want me to order you to talk to me?”  His words are very calm.  “You aren’t as angry as I’ve expected you to be.  If anything.  You seem really sad.  I’ve spent the last year with you.  Every moment I was with you in your… for lack of a better phrase infantile state.  You were verbal and selfish in your wants and needs.  You didn’t think if you should or shouldn’t ask for something, you just trusted that I would take care of you.  I saw you angry during that time.  I saw you happy.  Content.  And even sometimes sad.  You are more reserved now, but you really aren’t all that different.”

“I’ll leave.”

“Severus.”

“I don’t have any intention of taking up any more of your time.  As soon as I can, I will leave.  Don’t worry about my vault or properties.  I don’t care anything about any of that.  You’ve made enough sacrifices and I don’t care to trouble you further.  As leave as soon as I can, so please.  Stop talking.  Just read.”

“Severus, we need to talk about this.”

“I don’t want to talk!”  I try to force anger into my voice but it still cracks with a restrained sob.

“Do you like being taken care of?”

“Stop talking!”

“You want a master.  Your turmoil at the ones you had though were because they didn’t care for you.”

“I don’t want to talk.”  I have to protect myself.  I have to make sure that I can’t be hurt.  I have to make sure that I’m not discarded. 

“Severus.  I’m not judging you.  You don’t have to leave.  You can stay here living with me forever if that’s what you want.  But I would like to get to know the real you.  Not the cruel persona you played during the war and not the docile servant that couldn’t think for himself.  We can find a middle ground somewhere in there.  If you need something or want something, you can still tell me.  You can still rely on me to take care of you, but I want to know that it’s because of you and not the bond.”

It’s a trick. 

He’s luring me in and then he will pull the rug out from under me. 

I can’t fall for it.

I refuse to fall for it.

“What do you want Severus.”

“To stay like this.”  His fingers feel so good. 

“What else do you want?”

“Don’t apologize anymore.”

“Okay.  What else.”  His tone is very pacifying. 

“Can I stay here?”  He lightly pulls my hair. 

“Severus.  Tell me what you want.” 

“I… I want to stay here.  It’s the only place that feels…”  Like home.  Warm.  Safe. 

“Okay.  What else.”

“I can… I can brew potions for extra money.  I don’t expect you to take care of me financially.”

“I have ample money to support us both for several lifetimes.  If you will feel better though feeling like you are contributing, then you of course are free to do any of that.  What else Severus.  What else do you want.”  I don’t know what else I have the right to ask for.  I don’t really deserve even this much. 

“I like being held.”  Merlin that sounds pathetic.  “You don’t have to though and I don’t want you to force yourself to do something that… disgusts you.”

“Severus.  I’m gay.  Being intimate with a man isn’t even close to a turn off.  If you enjoy being held, then that doesn’t have to stop.  As long as I know you are consenting.  I know you said you don’t want me to apologize, but I have to just one more time.  I would have never done that to you if the situation wasn’t so dire.  You were so sick and weak.  I hated touching you without your consent, and I will never do that again.”  He is gentle with me.  He’s been gentle with me since he became my master.  He never once hurt me- even though he could have easily.  “I told you that I love you.”

Well this is awkward.  I hadn’t expected him to bring that up.  “Yes.  You did.”

“And you told me that you love me as well.”

“Yes.  I did.”  I’m past the point of self preservation.  Lying will accomplish nothing.

“Severus.”

“It’s okay.  You don’t have to say anything.  The situation was stressful and you just said whatever you felt would help me.”

“No.”  He says very quietly.  “I’m not a saint.  I still took advantage of the situation.  You were needy and honestly it was a turn on.  The way you would beg and look at me hopefully.  How little it took to make you happy.  Severus, after the war I had to face the fact that you weren’t who I thought you were.  Even as a student, I was enamored with the half blood prince.  Severus, I was so obsessed with your potion’s text book that Ron and Hermione insisted that I leave it in the room of requirements.  I read it every night.  The neat cursive.  The spells.  Comments.  I started having feelings for this… figment that I created.  When I learned that it was you… I tried to deny it at first.”  His voice is so low I have to strain to hear it.  “I couldn’t for long.  I wondered how I could be infatuated with a man that tormented me and then killed the headmaster.  I fought against it for so long.  Then when you were dying.  When I saw those memories.  I couldn’t… I couldn’t let you go.”

I don’t understand what he’s trying to say.

“I meant it.”  He says very gently.  “They weren’t just words said in the heat of the moment.  I meant them each and every time.  I’ll admit that it wasn’t really the ideal time or way to confess to you.  But I did mean it.  And I think you meant it as well.”

I can’t bring myself to agree or disagree.  Both are scary.  I can’t even bring myself to speak.

“Ron and Hermione know.  They know that you were very needy, and they knew that I didn’t feel comfortable having anyone see you so vulnerable.  I don’t think either would have intentionally said something to hurt you, but I didn’t want the added stress.  Ron asked me why I cared… he asked me why I didn’t just put you in St Mungos.  Where you could get professional help.  I had to basically tell them that I care about you.  Ron told me that I should just consider everything even.  You were terribly mean and you saved us countless times.  I had to tell him that I care about you… more than just out of duty or obligation.  Severus.  I meant it.  And- tell me if I’m wrong- but I think you meant it as well.”

Of course I did, but it’s so much easier to confess without the pounding anxiety in my head.  I didn’t analyze his words or actions, I could trust him without thought.  “I don’t know what your point is to all of this.”

“I don’t really have a point.  I just didn’t like that you’ve seemed sad.  Nothing or very little has to change.  If you want us to continue similar to how we were, then we can.  But Severus I need to know that is what you want… not because of the bond.”

“I don’t want to be a burden to you.”

“You aren’t.  I enjoy how easy it is with you.”  Easy?  This doesn’t feel easy.  He laughs lightly.  “I know you were following your instincts, but you weren’t coy or even hesitant.  It was cute how little it took to make you happy.”

“I wasn’t in my right mind.”

“I don’t think you are really that different now though.  I told you that I would do anything and all you really wanted was to lay your head in my lap.”  His fingers pull my hair a bit harder.  “At your most demanding, all you wanted was to be held.  You didn’t care what I did or didn’t do to you, you only wanted me to wrap my arms securely around you.”  Oh Merlin stop talking.  “And really as long as there was some intimate touch between us that was even good enough.”  Merlin no.  Don’t pull my hair like that.  “You were so happy when I let you do as you pleased.  And what did you do with that newfound freedom, you eagerly sucked me off every day.”  I want it.  I want it.  I want it.  “You always looked so happy.”

“Stop talking.” 

“Are you aroused?”  Humiliating.  “Severus.  Talk to me.  Are you aroused?  It’s okay if you are.  I’m not going to tease you.”

“I don’t mean to be.”

“Severus.  What do you want.  You keep avoiding the question.  Your instincts said to trust me, and you did.  So what is it that you really want.”  There is so much patience in his voice.  “Do you think you can answer me this time?” 

“I want you to be my Master.”

“Is that really what you want?  I don’t want for you to regret this later.”

“Please don’t make me say it again.”  The more I say it, the more chances he will have to refuse me.

“Severus, are you sure?”

“Yes.  I’m sure.  I want you to be my Master.”  His fingers stop and I’m waiting for the mockery.  I’m waiting for the laughter. 

“Severus, look at me.”  I’m sure my eyes are puffy and red.  But I can’t resist the gentle order.  He doesn’t flinch.  He doesn’t look away.  He doesn’t even look reluctant.  Instead he smiles at me.  His hand presses against the back of my neck and gently encourages me closer and closer still until our lips are touching. 

His tongue dominates the kiss and I don’t care to even try to fight for dominance.  As sporadic as I feel, he remains calm.  My pulse is speeding rapidly to the point that I’m afraid he will be able to hear it.  I’m embarrassed by how much I’m panting when he pulls away.  He just smiles lopsidedly. 

“Do you want to go to the room Severus?”  His hand squeezes mine.  “I think you’ll be more comfortable on the bed.”  I don’t trust myself to speak so I just nod. 

He holds my hand the entire time.  His room is achingly familiar and I’m not sure if he meant that it will be more comfortable for my body or my mental state.  It’s safe here.  In that bed he has made love to me so many times that’s it’s easy to remind myself that he’s not hurt me yet.  He’s undressing me and I feel ugly and scared.  I have to remind myself that this isn’t the first time he’s seen me naked.  He’s intimately familiar with every inch of my body.  His slightly calloused hands travel over the expanse of my body as if I were actually something pleasant to explore.  As if he didn’t already know all of my secrets. 

“How do you want to be held Severus?”  Is his calm question.  My throat feels so dry.  “You normally like to be taken from behind.  Where your face will be buried in the pillows and bed.  I know sometimes when you are especially needy, you like to be pressed against my chest and embraced the entire time.  Or maybe you are feeling a bit bold and want to ride me.  Severus.  This isn’t anything new.  You aren’t a different person.  You don’t have to overthink this.  You want to feel good and I want to feel good.  We are both consenting.  We both really care about each other.  Tell me how you want it and that is how we will do it.”

“Against your chest.”  His fingers caress my hair.  He lays down and patiently waits for me to lay next to him.  One of his arms wraps around me and the other summons the lube windlessly.  He uses a generous amount and I can feel him prodding slowly.  He isn’t rushing like he’s done in the past when neither of us could wait.  He takes his time adding one and then another.  Scissoring.  Curling.  Pushing deeply in and out.  The entire time, I can feel his erection pressed against mine.  He’s encouraging me to participate as he rubs our lengths together. 

“Do you think you are ready for me to enter you?”  I’m nervous.  What if I’m not as good now that I’m in control of myself.  What if he loses interest.  What if all the affection he gained when my mind was muddy, leaves now that all of my worse traits set it.  “You are going to feel perfect.”  He says withdrawing his fingers.  It’s enough.  The anxiety is still there, but it’s enough to calm me.

“Please.  I’m ready.”  I’ve been ready.  The familiar burn and ache is comforting as something much to large stretches me.  He hisses out a phrase that I don’t understand before penetrating me fully.  It’s to fucking much.  Oh Merlin.  Oh Salazar.  Fuck Fuck Fuck. 

“Perfect.”  His fingers are bruising on my hips.  “Please.  Tell me if you don’t like something or if I’m hurting you.”  The pain is incredible. 

He’s so hungry for my body that I feel flattered and… attractive.  Lips and teeth bite and suck where ever he can find skin.  As for my body.  We started out lying on our sides against each other, but now I’m under him as he takes me fast and desperately. 

It’s so good.

It’s so good.

“Master!  More.  Master More!  Please.”  I can hear him laughing contentedly. 

“There you are Severus.  Finally, you are acting like yourself.  I was beginning to miss you.  Wrap your legs around me.  Let me take you deeper.” His hands are restraining mine above my head, but my legs follow his order before I can think.  I have to do what Master asks me to.  I want to please Master.  “You are squeezing me so tight.  It’s so hot inside of you I feel like I’m melting.  I don’t know that I’ve ever been so deep inside of you.”

“Master!”

“I have you Severus.”

“Master.  It’s so good.  So good inside.”  It’s to good.  I can’t last like this.  I’m going to cum at this rate from only being penetrated.  His hands release my wrists, but I don’t move them.  His arms securely wrap around me in a tight embrace.  He’s slamming into me so fast.  I can feel his raw erection pounding me.  Claiming me.  Marking me from the inside out.  I’m so close.  I feel so full.  Full.  Hot. 

“I love you Severus.”  Oh FUCK!  My back arches but I can’t leave his embrace.  Spasms of molten pleasure race up my spine and it doesn’t matter that I’m losing myself because he only slams into me more hungrily.  I feel like I’ve had an orgasm without cumming.  “Now you are really squeezing me.  I love you.  Keep going.”

“Master!”

“Beautiful.  Keep going.  I’m almost there.”  He’s groaning and I can feel him twitching inside my sensitive hole.  He doesn’t have long left.  He really is close.  My body feels so raw and sore but I still ache inside.  I know that I need him.  I need him to finish inside.  My legs squeeze around him tighter.  I don’t want him pulling out at the last second. 

“Master.  Please.  Now.  I need.  Please.”

“Soon Severus.  I’m almost there.”

“Please don’t make me wait anymore.  I need you.”  A weak whine comes directly from my vocal cords and it’s so humiliatingly pathetic.  I hate it, but he kisses me so gently. 

“I have you Severus.”  His hips are grinding deeply into me and his eyes are screwed shut.  His teeth clinched.  He’s trying to hold off.  I can tell.  He doesn’t want to cum just yet, but he can’t seem to stave it off any longer.  “Amazing.”  His embrace is so tight.  It’s so secure.  Warm.  Safe.  “I have you Severus.  I have you.  Ohh.”  He’s groaning throatily. 

“L..love you.”  Don’t change your mind about me.  Don’t throw me away.  “Love you.”

“I love you Severus.” 

“Love.. Love.”

“I’m not letting go.”  My body is plastered to his like cement, but he only embraces me tighter.  “Severus.  I’m not going to last.  Is it okay if I… inside?”

“Yes… please.”

“I love you.”  Oh merlin.  “Every time I tell you that, you squeeze around me beautifully.  It’s so hot inside you I feel like I’m melting.”  Merlin.  Salazar and the founders.  I can’t handle this teasing.  Why is my body as unruly as a hormonal teenager?  I was never like this before him.  With each thrust, my erection is rubbed between our bodies.  It’s over stimulating.  It’s too much.  “Severus.  Together.  I want us to cum together.”  I need him to cum.  I don’t think I could finish without him. 

“Please… hurry.  I can’t… Master I can’t much longer.  I need to cum.  I need to cum.”

“It’s okay Severus.  Ohh.  I have you.  Just a bit more.”  With one final thrust, I feel Master emptying inside of me.  It’s like lava pleasantly burning my insides.  “Cum for me Severus.”  My own body obediently follows my masters gentle order. 

My stomach and his is covered in my semen and I can feel his leaking out of me.  I just took a shower and I’m dirty again.  The pleasure does little to chase the anxiety away.  I couldn’t have been as good with how withdrawn I was.  Still, his arm remains around me as he rolls us more comfortably on our sides.  He accios a Kleenex and begins wiping me.  Yes, he normally cleans me up after.  It doesn’t matter that he’s done it many times, it’s still embarrassing to have him literally wiping my bum.

“I’ll be done in a moment and then we can cuddle.”

“You could have just used a cleaning spell.”

“You don’t like them.”  He says simply.  “You would deal with it without complaining, but I know it makes you feel uncomfortable inside.”  I debate telling him that I can do it myself, but I’m really to tired to argue.  When he finishes wiping me down and then himself, he pulls my head on his chest.  “Do you feel a bit better now?”

“I don’t know what you mean.”  I say somewhat aggressively, but still I close my eyes and rest against him.

“You have been anxious and emotional since you got your memories back.  I was really worried about you.  I don’t like to see you upset because I love you.”

“I don’t know how I’m suppose to be.  I’m not sure how to act.”

“Well, wizards live a long time.  We have the rest of our lives for you to figure out.  I know you are a smart guy, but stop thinking so hard.  I’m already yours and you are already mine.”

“You don’t have to be my master.”  I say really hoping he doesn’t take me up on that offer.

“I never had to Severus.  This is what I want.  Is this what you want?”  Yes.  A thousand yes’s. 

“I’m okay with it.”

“Severus.  I’m not going to let go.” 

“That’s… that’s fine.”

“You really turn me on.”  He smiling against my skin.  “I love you Severus.”  I’m nervous. 

“I love you too… Master.”  My face feels so warm. 

“Severus, I swear.  I’m going to be the best master you’ve ever had.”  It’s surprisingly easy to close my eyes and enjoy his embrace.

“You already are.”  I’m happy.  I always wanted you to be my master.

His arms are safe.  His embrace is home, and I let myself fall deep into that security hoping that I will never be ‘free.’

 


End file.
